Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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