I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
