hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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