Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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