o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
