Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
