the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
