I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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