My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
