I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
