I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize