one two three fourrrrnication!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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