Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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