I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
