I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
