My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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