I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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