i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
