But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
