I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
