it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
