I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
