did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
