God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just pynch a tree in the face
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
