I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
