you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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