before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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