Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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