Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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