So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
