What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
