youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
