The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
