since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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