I accidentally had phone sex last night
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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