So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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