ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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