So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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