If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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