I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel