Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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