I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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