So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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