Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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