got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
