between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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