Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
