I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
where are my eyebrows?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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