What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
