Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
