i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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