you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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