A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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