i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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