i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
