Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
