I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
How's work?
Spinning.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
