I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just threw up on my dentist
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
