My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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